writer's block

Call it whatever it is, but I've been on a string of writer's block these past days. Perhaps it's too much to write about, or nothing interesting enough to critically think through. Time, as well, hasn't been on my side neither.

However there have been things that have been weighing heavy on my mind. Things that to me do not make sense, but in a strange way make all the sense. It's that weird cryptic duality I've come to harness about how I think of things. In plain English, it's my keen ability of playing devil's advocate on myself.

Perhaps if I illustrate it, I might find peace tonight before I go to bed.

The general subject is my future and what my options are. For me the duality comes when I envision a great future, but then consider the prospects of leaving all that I have here. Of course in the post-modern era, no one ever "leaves" their home since they're connected in some digital way or another. However, in time our connections with humans always fade a bit even though we've broken the digital divide.

The recent future I've been pursuing is a path untraditional (it seems) to anyone I know or have known. Service to one's country should seem natural to anyone, but in our young generation a duty to one's country seems extraordinary or in excess to one's life. It's no longer required, but still there is a patriotic feeling when I filled out my selective service card and sent it in.

Man... I was so young then.

Looking back, one career that's stuck with me this long has been the dream of working for the Navy. The Navy perhaps seems more right to me then anything because, while things have changed with time, to be part of some historic organization like the Navy fills me with a sense of wonderment. For nearly every century dating back to times of Christ and before, Sea power was the true mark of superiority. To make your presence at any port meant you had become THE superpower of the world. It's that understanding that compels my historical and patriotic self towards it.

There's another side, the side that concerns itself with #1. Often when I turn another portion of that application I get that feeling of "just what in the heck am I doing?" Leave everything? Leave a job that I love and suspend my aspirations for higher education for upwards of 4 or more years? See the world? Wait a minute.

There's a lot here that's worth holding on too a bit longer, there's plenty here to make a life for myself and settle down here. The young spry 20 something says, "no way let's boogie!" but the my mind knows better. Ultimately I know that if I were offered a career such as the one I'm pursuing, I'll take it and serve my duty with pride and honor worthy of an officer, but I suppose I should never forget my roots and most of all the beautiful people I know and love here. As unorthodox as it maybe, I would desire to serve my command and love those I love now unconditionally.

Mutually exclusive? I believe absolutely not.

My love is my own to give, and no matter what... no matter my future... I pray to be able to continue to love those that I love now.

Nevertheless, one thing is for damn certain... it's just too early to start writing my epilogue yet.

~J out